Su Pollard to be new spiritual leader of IS

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The Islamic State group has confirmed on its messaging service, Telegram, that their new leader is to be Su Pollard, former star of BBC sitcom Hi-de-Hi!. In a surprise move IS confirmed that Pollard, who played chalet maid Peggy Ollerenshaw in the long-running show, was the unanimous choice of members of the radical terrorist organisation.

Many intelligence experts believe that the move is intended to confuse western governments and usher in an era of unpredictability in the middle-east. ‘It’s certainly a surprise’ says Professor Samuel Esterhaze, Head of Middle-Eastern Studies at Oxford University. ‘There are several high-ranking candidates within IS who were expected to step up, and it’s highly unusual for the star of a 1980s sitcom to reach the higher echelons of a fundamentalist jihadi terrorist organisation. In fact, in hasn’t happened since Felicity Kendall’s short and ill-fated stint in charge of Boko Haram.’

However, a former British jihadist believes that Pollard is a figure that commands respect within IS. ‘In the early days of the caliphate IS soldiers watched a lot of ‘Hi-de-Hi!’ in their spare time’ confirmed the unnamed source. ‘Things were pretty basic and all we had for entertainment was an old VHS video recorder and a tape of ‘Hi-de-Hi!’. We used to watch it on a loop to unwind after a battle, those guys just loved Peggy. After a while, a lot of the British lads couldn’t take it anymore and were happy to offer themselves up as martyrs, anything to escape another excruciating episode of unresolved sexual tension between Gladys Pugh and Jeffrey Fairbrother.’

Pollard has yet to formally accept the role but admits she is flattered to have been chosen. ‘It’s a bit of a shock’ she said. ‘Work has been a bit thin on the ground lately so it’s nice to be considered for any new role. This one is a bit of a departure from the loud, annoying old birds I’ve got typecast as and I don’t know the first thing about radical Islam but it’s either that or six weeks in panto in Wolverhampton so what the hell?’

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Posted: Nov 2nd, 2019 by

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