Terrorist group UKIP announces new leader and vows revenge

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So-called UK Independence Party (UKIP), the once-feared terror organisation, has confirmed the termination of its leader, Richard Braine, and has vowed to ‘avenge the party’s enemies’ with ‘refreshed waves of divinely ordained havoc’. In a recording posted on its propaganda channel, The Mail Online, the Eurosceptic group stated it had already appointed a new leader who was a ‘true descendent’ of the prophet Farage. The announcement was heralded with the rare production of UKIP’s 2015 manifesto from its sealed vault, prompting veneration from party loyalists.

Standing in front of a Union Jack and defiantly brandishing a non-vegan sausage roll, its unnamed spokesman said: ‘People of Britain – don’t you realise that UKIP is on the verge of total victory over disbelieving folk? True Eurosceptics will soon unite and inflict unlimited punishment on the government for its impure EU Brexit deal!’. Turning his ire on Prime Minister Boris Johnson, he continued: ‘While your blond-haired fool leader toadies up to the EU, we have generated martyr after martyr, who will live forever on our Wikipedia page!’

Many believe Braine’s resignation is a blow for the group, who have been gradually stripped of territory by its rival Brexit Party faction and reduced to an ever-shrinking insurgency of racists and cranks. Though the new leader’s name is unknown, the party claims he follows a lineage to the party’s founder before the movement was split following Nigel Farage’s departure, leading to a historic breach between the Sunni-lit Uplands and the Total Shi’ites.

Despite attempting to portray itself as mainstream, internal party literature prophesises that on the ‘Day of Judgement’, believers will rise up in anger, previous leaders will be resurrected, and the European Union itself will be annihilated. However, Remain groups are already demanding that in such an eventuality, a second confirmatory Judgement Day must be required.

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Posted: Nov 3rd, 2019 by

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