The Conservative Party has broken its promise for 200 000 starter homes, due to a lack of low-hanging jeans, a strong brew and ‘not having a Philips-head screw driver’. In fact, zero houses have been built, making Boris Johnson less successful than the Witch from Hansel & Gretel.
The National Audit Office confirmed that the Prime Minister had made less planning applications than Joseph Fritzl. A Tory spokesman explained: ‘We were all ready to start work on an initial 60,000 plots of land, but you know how tricky it is to get a good plumber on the weekend’.
Initially £2bn had been set aside to start the project, but it is understood that Michael Gove may have blown it all in particularly intense weekend ‘with his little Colombian friend’. The project was further stymied, by the use of flat-pack construction techniques, without an Allen key.
The homes were supposed to help under 40s onto a housing ladder, which now resembles a snake. A Tory contractor let out a slow whistle: ‘It’ll cost yer. Particularly if Chris Grayling is involved. We can probably get it done by 2072 – if the weather holds. We’re just waiting on a supply of those stick-thingies, you know, one of those rubber doodads, with a solid, dull lump on top. You must know. It makes a kinda ear-splitting noise. Hammer? No, not a hammer. It’s like banging your head against a brick wall. Liz Truss! That was it!’