With the election campaign having just kicked off, Conservative party HQ is already deeply concerned about the inability of Tory MPs to get the correct message across to the electorate.
Taking time off from shredding reports and doctoring another opponent’s interview Party Chairman James Cleverly addressed Tory PPCs: ‘Every time we misspeak, and I even include even senior ministers here, by saying what we really think, we are giving the game away and shooting ourselves in the foot.’
‘Look at Jacob Rees-Mogg speaking on Grenfell when he commented the government had learnt lessons from the fire. Everyone in the party knows Jacob’s view that the poor are merely a resource but it’s not something we want made public. This kind of off the cuff remark will cost us votes.’
It has been announced that with immediate effect, all TV, press or radio questions asked of Conservative candidates must be submitted to head office and a suitable reply for the candidate to regurgitate will be supplied within 24 hours. In addition, party workers going door to door will no longer be permitted to speak to the public but will merely hand over carefully worded leaflets containing officially sanctioned lies.
Concluding, Mr Cleverly said: ‘We all must take a leaf out of our leader, Boris Johnson’s book. So when asked a tricky question or one where to respond honestly will reveal us to be the heartless rabble who care only about ourselves and making money for our City pals, that we undoubtedly are, simply bellow “Let’s get Brexit done and “Corbyn is a Marxist loony.”
‘Because using this simple strategy effectively, Boris hasn’t yet answered one single question honestly since he took office.’