Boris calls for radical education reform

Victorian school

Downing Street are today said to be trying to diffuse a very difficult situation after a leaked memo shows Boris Johnson calling for massive cuts to school funding should he win the next election.

Insiders report that Boris returned from a visit to a local primary school purple with rage after he was subjected to a barrage of questions concerning immigration, the NHS and his personal life by a class of 10 year-olds.

The memo, addressed to Dominic Cummings, begged the Tory policy maker to slash funding to pre 1930’s levels, ban all computers, mobile phones, televisions, tablets and books and to stop all school meals.

At his latest PR exercise, Mr Johnson had been expecting to have a carefully choreographed photo opportunity, finger painting and answering questions, such as, ‘who is your favourite X man’ and ‘what is it like to be prime minister?’ Instead he was asked by Jessica from year six, ‘Why have you waited until there is an election to say that you are going to take homeless war veterans off the street when your party has been in power for 10 years?’

As Jessica was hastily ushered from the classroom, Billy, captain of the under 10’s football team, asked Mr Johnson, ‘what does your current girlfriend think of all that money that you gave to your American fuck buddy and do you agree with the London Major that you should be removed from office?’

The memo was praised by Jacob Rees-Mogg, who in a private meeting with Cummings, insisted that his wing of the party had been warning for years against the dangers of educating the lower classes and that whilst the cuts made over the last 10 years were welcome, they didn’t go far enough.

Jacob added, ‘like me, Boris is a great admirer of the great Winston Churchill, who firmly believed that to keep the population in order; they should be uneducated, under fed and over worked.’

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Posted: Nov 12th, 2019 by

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