Britain will be without gravity from January the 1st, it has been announced. The Archbishop of Canterbury has explained that this move will slash the Universe’s energy budget by as much as 40 per cent. ‘God hasn’t meddled with the laws of physics since He parted the Red Sea 3000 years ago’, he says, ‘so you could say this move is long overdue, just to remind people He’s still around’.
Questions have been asked in Parliament about whether Britain is prepared for the Almighty’s alarming volte-face. However, MPs have been assured that a leaflet is being mailed to every household in the country explaining how to cope with the situation. It advises people to look in on their elderly relatives, ‘in case they float away and get caught in overhead cables’.
However, the underwear industry is devastated by the news. ‘We have five million bras in our warehouses ready to be shipped, and they’ll be as useless as codpieces from January the 1st’, says Wonderbra CEO Nigel Smith. ‘We’ll just have to burn them’.
Meanwhile, Ryanair is offering large reductions in fares due the the decreased cost of keeping a plane in the air. However, Reg White of South Stockwell Cabs has promised to give Michael O’Leary a run for his money. ‘Our minicabs will fly people to Corfu and Gran Canaria at a fraction of what Ryanair charges’, he promises. ‘In fact, I’ve just bought a fleet of second-hand Daewoos to cope with the increased demand. Remember – in space, nobody can ask to see your MoT’.