Kilogram to be measured in Greggs’ Pasties


Scientists have agreed to change the definition of 1000 grams to mean something that is simply ‘a bit chunky’. The fluctuation of the original platinum-based ingot is about 50 parts in a billion, whereas the Gregg’s Pasty has remained stoically the same, retaining the exact same dimensions even after consumption and for the next four weeks that it spends in your lower colon.

‘Le Grand K’ has been locked in a Parisian safe since 1889, while your average pasty has remained on the shelf since 18:30 the previous day. Some speculate that a Gregg’s Pasty may outlast British civilization which, thanks to Brexit, is only six months away.

The humble pasty is made from Lard; which in the periodic table appears as LrD – being heavier than Uranium and twice as deadly. Cornish scientists in the early part of the nineteenth century combined LrD with ‘mystery meat’ to create the first pasty; thus starting an international nuclear pastry-race that would eventually result in tragic cholesterol rates for the people of Japan.

Traditionally we associate the kilogram with a bag of sugar or – if you are from the Home Counties – your monthly cocaine supply. Instead, we will now think in terms of one greasy lump of congealed fat or ‘Boris Johnson’ to his friends.

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Posted: Nov 18th, 2019 by

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