Following his interview on BBC’s Newsnight, judged by reviewers of public relation weaseling as ‘almost as believable as a Trump tweet’, Prince Andrew has released his new book just in time for the Christmas rush. “An Excuse For Anything” will be available in hardback and paperback in all good bookstores that the Prince hasn’t visited, unless it was the time he was pictured visiting one, in which case he was just visiting the medical section to get a book on a rare non-sweaty condition he needed to research.
“It’s that time of year where we are all trying to make excuses. Some work hard not to be with family, like Harry and Megan, and some are trying to explain why we spent days in the house of a sex offender to tell him we can’t be friends anymore, like… um… well, me”, the Prince explained. “Having been practicing how to make up excuses for the seemingly inexcusable for 6 months, it felt like the honourable thing to do was let the public know how I do it. If anything, charging only £59.99 is too honourable, but that’s just who I am”
The book contains all the things you would expect, with chapters on ‘how to blame a fart on the dog’, ‘how to excuse yourself from eating 7-hour boiled sprouts’, and ‘how to claim you are both definitely the person in a photo while definitely not being there when the photo was taken’. The forward has been written by The Prince’s ex-wife, Sarah Ferguson, where she gives a bonus and explains the art of making excuses to explain extra-marital public toe-sucking.
The launch of the book comes just days after an interview dominated by his relationship with a convicted paedophile and people trafficker. However, Andrew now strongly denies being in the interview with Newsnight’s Emily Maitlis, despite damning video evidence. He explained “Clearly I see that it looks like I am there, but I have a medical condition that means I’m sometimes in a place and simultaneously not there. Schrodinger’s Andrew is a rare condition that can explain so much of my embarrassing past, but luckily has cleared up so you can’t test it”, before adding “fuck, I’m good at this”.