‘I do have a recollection of an incline, that is certain’, recalled the Duke of York, speaking to Newsnight about the number of staff he had and how they were deployed. ‘As a member of the royal family we come into daily contact with anything from a gentle slope to a steep escarpment, so which hill it was…well this was a while ago, and the only thing I can remember is having sex with an attractive teenage girl, possibly at the foot of the hill. Or possibly at the top. Or her bottom. Or half way up, so to speak. But the 10,000 men? Could have been 10,000, could have been 9.5 thousand. I regret that it is hard for me to say the exact number. Sorry, I meant the bottom not er, her bottom. I have no recollection of that at all.’
It’s understood the royal family is concerned that the Prince is unable to remember the size of his staff of security men, aides, private secretaries, equerries, ostlers, pilots, valets, chauffeurs, footmen, disgraced PR advisors, fitness instructors, or young girlfriends procured him by ultra-wealthy paedophiles.
‘Look, as to Andy’s bedroom shenanigans, it’s nothing unusual,’ said one member of the Royal Family anonymously. ‘A typical breakfast for our great great grandfather, Edward VII would be a shoulder of mutton, a bottle of claret, a stilton, a trifle, a cigar, a wafer thin mint a large brandy and at least one whole concubine. Later on in our family history pretty much anything goes, royal-rumpy-pumpy-Humpty-Dumpty wise. Nowadays it’s all the Queen’s children and all the Queen’s men’, like the nursery rhyme. We have but one golden rule. It must get in the papers, so that it draws the tourists, who are fascinated in the sex lives of we royals, especially when fancy dress is involved and rightly so. And if that’s not a strict law, my name’s not Harry.’
The anonymous prince continued: ‘As for these allegations about Andy marching a large taxpayer-financed staff up and down an unspecified hill – well some will say it’s a waste of public funds, but we say history will remember it as part of the colourfully-crowded pageantry of this uniquely British family. Although ten thousand does sound a bit steep for a minor royal. I might put in for a rise.’
The Duke has defended the absence of specific figures or his incapacity to name the hill involved. ‘I distinctly remember having lawful intercourse with a young woman over the age of consent in Britain, whose name I can’t remember, sadly. But this is part and parcel of the day to day activities of someone a bit ‘kingy’, like me. After that I danced with some tramps, for reasons I cannot recall. ‘I danced with a woman who danced with a man who danced with the Prince of Wales,’ as the saying goes. Dancing is very much part of Royal protocol on a daily basis so remembering with whom I danced is…well beyond my recollection. Then this young woman and I went to Pizza Express…no wait it may have been Wagamater. I do remember we went Dutch, then I went home to mama.
No wait, it was Pizza Express, because I made rather a good joke about the American Hot.