Leaders of the major parties made their pitch to big business; with the Tories offering ‘free Wi-Fi for billionaires’, Labour demanding ‘free Nelson Mandela’ and the Lib Dems touting ‘free tickets to Disneyland, Paris’. Not to be outdone, the Green Party promptly promised ‘free rides, on a dolphin of your choice’.
Concerns that Corbyn’s Labour Party were not business friendly, were allayed when he unveiled a range of competitively-priced vegetables, from his allotment and a rota to share his bicycle on weekends. Alongside a reduction in business rates, he guaranteed that all business leaders would get their own yoga instructor and a two-week holiday in a tie-dyed Yurt.
The CBI said they broadly understood the ethical argument for ‘Corbynomics’, but in the same way a vulture broadly understands your desire not to be eaten. A CBI leader remarked: ‘I’m not sure Mr. Corbyn is speaking our language. He kept using economic phrases I’d never heard of, like ‘sharing’, ‘responsibility’ and ‘income tax, you actually pay’.
By contrast, Boris Johnson gave a much more traditional message of fiscal responsibility, by signalling his intention to invest in whale meat, Nazi gold and asbestos-flavoured cigarettes. Only the Tory Party offered real stability, which is why he was betting the UK economy on the 12:15 at Newmarket