The Tories made a bold election pledge today, promising a weekly 500g box of bran flakes or fruit and fibre for every household if re-elected.
The news comes after new data showed that Britain is lagging well behind nations like South Korea and Singapore in the bowel movement league table, with long-term knock on effects on both productivity and haemorrhoids.
‘The country is bunged up, constipated by years of French pains au chocolat and Italian focaccia’, announced Boris Johnson. ‘Our policy for full fibre cereal is bowl ready, just add milk, and a bit of sugar if you like, and we will get breakfast done.’
The Tories have dismissed Labour’s alternative plans to nationalise the production of Golden Grahams as crackpot, arguing that the policy will reduce competition, increase prices and anyway it turns the milk a funny off-brown colour.