Attempts to produce a cleaning agent strong enough to wipe the smirk off Boris Johnson’s face have so far come to nothing admitted market brand leaders Reckitt Benckiser. A spokesperson for the company said progress had been frustratingly slow but they still hoped for a breakthrough one day.
The company has invested over £10m in a new state-of-the-art laboratory on the outskirts of Milton Keynes dedicated solely to finding something that will remove the PM’s constantly annoying smirk. Although the company produces many successful household cleaning agents such as degreasers, toilet cleaners, lime-scale removers and grime mousse they say the big prize still eludes them.
‘Some of the Reckitt Benckiser products have been used to clean up decades old plutonium stains at Dounreay’ said Cillit Bang enthusiast Barry Scott ‘others have been used to clean the toilets at the House of Lords and lots of celebrities swear by it.
‘Anne Widdicombe says she wouldn’t put anything else down her S bend at night and Nigella Lawson often scrubs her tops down with it too. But, as yet, nothing is powerful enough to get rid of that smirk’, he said.
The Johnson smirk – likened by some to the empty smile associated with someone who has just pushed an elderly lady in front of a bus or switched off the plug on a child’s dialysis machine – is said to be one of the most toxic challenges still frustrating the men in white coats.
‘It’s the Holy Grail’ admitted Scott. ‘I’ve been rehearsing the same line for years “…..BANG!!!….and the smirk is gone…..”, but sadly it’s still there.
‘That fucking smirk.
‘And to think, we’re probably going to have that same smirk staring back at us for the next five years.
‘Five long years……five long fucking years….that same knowing smirk….the smirk that tells you it’s all just a game to him, that nothing really matters.
‘Here, give me that bottle of Cillit Bang.’
BANG!!…and the smirk HAS now finally gone…..and it feels wonderful.