Re-appraisal of Mark Twain underway after discovery of ‘good wank spoiled’ note

Mark Twain

Historians were undertaking a frantic reassessment of the contribution of Mark Twain yesterday, after the surprise discovery of a box of jottings by the American author, famous for his epigrams, in the old family home. On one note, Twain wrote that ‘golf is a good wank spoiled’, casting considerable doubt on the widely held view that he was comparing the sport unfavourably to a walk in the park.

‘Twain was a prodigious masturbator as a teenager, that much we know from published memoirs, and the extensive porn collection found under his mattress,’ indicated Cecile De Mornay, Professor of American Literature at Oxford University. ‘These new notes reveal much about the state of his mind – and his trousers – during his formative years.’

‘As he entered adolescence, it seems he struggled to find much privacy in the family home, so he would often sneak off to the local golf club to snap one out’, continued De Mornay. ‘The local toilets at the club provided him with a nice quiet space for him to bash his bishop’.

‘Frustratingly though, it appears other members of the club would spot him before he reached the toilets, and, understandably, they would invite him to join them for a game of golf, thus spoiling his regular bouts of self-discovery. A round of fourballs, rather than his preference for a solitary game with two balls and a wood, if you like.’

Experts suggest that this discovery will not be a long term stain on Twain’s reputation, although the impact on his bedsheets is a different matter.

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Posted: Nov 25th, 2019 by

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