Jacob Rees Mogg discovered in ventriloquist’s suitcase

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Missing Tory politician and Mr Micawber-alike, Jacob Rees Mogg has been found alive and well in a suitcase, belonging to the celebrated ventriloquist, Cardew “leave it out, vicar” Judson.

Mr Judson discovered the mistake on arrival at the Alhambra Theatre, Aberdeen, when he heard a faint “let me out” from his props trunk.

He told our reporter, “I could hear the voice from inside the box, and I knew it wasn’t me because I do the voices.”

“I opened the case and lying there, in both senses of the word, between Olaf The Ostrich and Luigi the Ice-cream Man, I found Rees Mogg. He was all squashed up and one of his feet was in his mouth. Although, I reckon he’s used to that now. He must have been in there for days. He was quite angry and called me a “peasant”, so I just closed the trunk again.”

“After a few hours I opened it up again and he was a bit calmer, so I let him out. I’ve no idea how he got in there. There must have been a mix up and I think he just wanted somewhere to hide until the heat of the General Election was off.”

Mr Rees Mogg, is said to be at home resting with his family after spending almost a week squashed in the box. Mr Judson has been reunited with his own scary, Victorian doll, Mr Culpepper, who has apparently been touring the country with Boris Johnson’s entourage of other life-like dummies.

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Posted: Nov 26th, 2019 by

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