With the ethical integrity of Edward Teach, the Conservative Party has promised to supplant penny-pinching greed with plain, old-fashioned plunder – transforming their tree logo, into a skull and cross bones. Signalling further deregulation of the markets and environment, Boris Johnson finished his manifesto launch with a blustering ‘Aha me Hearties’, a sweary parrot and a promise to set sail for the Spanish Main.
Devastating cutbacks will now take a backseat to unfettered tax avoidance and cronyism, as predicted in Milton Friedman’s ‘Treasure Island’. Yearly tax evasion has already spiralled to an historical high of £35bn – and goodness knows how much of that is doubloons?
That is not to say that the public sector will not still be squeezed; timbers will be shivered due increases in heating costs, deck swabbing will be done by workers on zero hour contracts and wooden legs will become compulsory on the NHS – as no one can afford normal prosthetics. Yet, No. 10 allayed fears that Boris would soon be ‘walkin’ the plank’, as he already is a plank.
A Tory spokesman in a frilly blouse and eye patch said: ‘Avast ye land lubbers! Does Polly want a cracker? Of course she does, that’s why she’s been visiting her local foodbank. Look, we’re offering the finest booty that any corporate tax accountant can find. Just vote for us, X marks the spot’.