Answering Labour’s accusations that the Tories plan to sell off the NHS, Boris Johnson today insisted that the decision to rename London Hospitals after American presidents and baseball stars, was pure coincidence.
However, faced with a 451 page document, which Labour alleges gives chapter and verse on the Tories underhand, immoral and sneaky plans to sell the NHS to the highest bidder, Johnson cut a lonely figure standing on the steps of Downing Street whilst Cummings, Gove, Patel and Raab slithered out the back door.
Red faced and sweating profusely the PM insisted he had fully intended to tell the country about the great sell off, but that he wanted it to be surprise for after the election, his Christmas present to his people.
‘It will be marvellous, first class, top rate, spiffing’, said Johnson. ‘Our United Kingdom will become the first country in Europe to fully embrace the freedom of an American style healthcare system.’
‘The people of Britain will receive the finest medical care that an insurance policy can buy’, insisted the PM. ‘Just like the seats in a first class carriage on the railways, there will be lots of vacant beds in the new style hospitals, no undesirables clogging up the system, it will be top notch.’
Johnson confessed that plans were indeed in place to build new super mortuaries and multi storey crematoriums sponsored by Walmart and Budweiser, but these were only a precaution and should only be in constant use for the first few years whilst the new system beds in.
‘Mark my words, mark my words’, insisted Johnson, warming to his task and shaking his pudgy fist. ‘After we rid ourselves of this cursed, out of date Marxist ridden health service, we will slash the highest rate of Income tax to the bone and Corporation tax and inheritance tax will be abolished at last.’