Andrew Neill to cover his face in mayonnaise to make it look ‘less meaty’


Vegetarians have accused the BBC’s Andrew Neil of having an excessively meaty face. ‘It looks like a well-aged sirloin steak and the top reminds you of when you get a pork scratching with a hair in it’, said one vegetarian, who later denied he had eaten a pork scratching, but admitted holding one. However the rib-eyed bachelor and pundit has, it’s understood, been experimenting with a mayonnaise or toasted cheese facial layer to appear less like an item in an organic butcher’s window.

Meanwhile Conservatives have been consulting image consultants about the meatiness of their own faces, with Boris Johnson (luncheon meat) Jacob Rees Mogg (streaky bacon) and Dominic Raab (knuckle end) all experimenting with coverings from hummus to peanut butter to appeal to a more vegetarian electorate.

In unconnected news, the Conservative Party has denied it plans to move its headquarters to Melton Mowbray, and played down rumours it is issuing ‘in-pants sprinklers’ to front benchers of both sexes, and even Priti Patel. A spokesperson said: ‘The danger is these could go off in a false alarm scenario, as controlled experiments with James Cleverly have demonstrated. For this to happen during an interview with, say, Emily Maitlis would give out the wrong signals’.

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Posted: Nov 29th, 2019 by

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