Alexander Boris du Piffle Johnson, a third year Classics student at Oxford in May 1986, has spoken of his bewilderment that so many people seem to be coming back from the future to murder him. Over the course of the past term, Johnson has narrowly survived two violent attacks and is now under police guard.
‘I-I-I must say, I find it frightfully odd that anyone who could take himself back to any point in history would just come 33 years back to Oxford and have a pop at good old BoJo,’ said the current Oxford Union president from his suite of rooms in Balliol. ‘Maybe saying I wanted to be World King in that bally newspaper was a bit presumptuous at only 21, but really … I must say, if I were in their shoes, I’d be hightailing it back to Ancient Rome for some rumpy-pumpy with some nubile slave girls at the back of the Palatine Hill, what?’
The latest attack took place in a restaurant that the Bullingdon Club were in the process of trashing. According to Oxfordshire Police, a 56-year-old male burst in waving a sharpened steel comb, shouted ‘Here, Boris, tidy yourself up with that’ and made a lunge at him. The rest of the club swiftly debagged him and left him in Mercury, from where he was taken away later by mental health professionals, muttering ‘That was for Brexit, you mendacious shitbag’ over and over.
‘It’s most annoying because I-I-I-I’m such a nice chap,’ added Johnson. ‘I won the Union presidency by a record vote, everyone laughs at my bumbling around and the fillies from the secretarial college can’t get enough of Little Boris. I haven’t even told anyone I’m a Tory yet. But really, if this kind of thing happens again, I’m going to have to stop being so nice in future. What do you say, Cammers?’
Johnson’s Bullingdon Club contemporary, David Cameron, could not be reached for comment after the latest incident as he was absent f@*king a dead pig in the face.