Following reports in the Guardian that Tory candidates knocking on doors had been issued with handbooks on how to attack the Opposition with lies, false accusations and personal smears, Tory party central office insist that the handbooks were immediately withdrawn, as soon as they had been caught red handed.
The handbook stated as fact, that the Liberal democrats has unveiled plans to encourage school children to take up a career in the sex industry and that pupils should receive training to become Pimps.
In addition, Labour had been accused of planning to allow an additional 850,000 immigrants into the UK each year.
According to the Guardian, they were alerted to the publication, when Voters all over the country, obviously not as stupid as Boris and his cronies thought, started to call the editors office with thousands of complaints. With the electorate being much more switched on than Tory central office had given them credit for, the publication has now been completely withdrawn from all areas with the exception of those constituencies that voted leave in the 2016 referendum.
Reports from the people on the ground insist that in these areas, the dossier has been welcomed like the 5th Gospel and is being read out at open air meetings to vast crowds.
Local Tory workers did report however that in Stoke, there has been a slight hiccup as they have received dozens of requests for further information or application forms for the child Pimp apprenticeships.
Having been confronted with the truth, the Tory PR department believe that in hindsight, the publication was a mistake and that they would now return to the tried and tested campaigning methods used by Tories for decades.
They insisted that with immediate effect, all party workers will funnel out across the country, visit every house and every street and pelt any opposition party candidates or voters they meet with Dog shit.