Public demand longer prison sentences for murderers, except when it helps

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The British press have found themselves in a bit of a quandary, as to whether to condemn James Ford as the killer who assaulted someone on London Bridge or applaud James Ford as the hero who tackled the London Bridge terrorist.  In journalistic circles this is known as ‘Schrödinger’s Prince Andrew’, someone who we simultaneously praise and want to lock up.

Originally many newspapers ran with headlines such as ‘plucky Brits’ making our streets safe; only to replace the headlines with ‘Shit, killers get day release?!?’, ‘How many nutters were on London Bridge?’ or with the Daily Express claiming that none of this would have happened if we just got Brexit sorted.

One journalist struggled to process the facts: ‘Whad’ja mean he’s a wrong’un? He can’t be, he tackled that foreign looking geezer with the beard.  He’s a hero – coz it says so here, in my notes.’  Fortunately there were several passers-by that also helped, so hopefully one of them will have come from a nice home and will be good-looking enough to be interviewed by Piers Morgan.

Last year, another have-a-go hero on London Bridge (Roy Larner), was denied compensation for his injuries after it was revealed his criminal past with the National Front and propensity for picking his nose in public.  Said one police officer; ‘We advise members of the public, if you see a terrorist, to hide immediately. Unless, of course, you have clean tax returns, an immaculate Twitter feed and your own theatrical agent’.

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Posted: Dec 2nd, 2019 by

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