Health officials have agreed to reclassify a vague queasiness as a verifiable condition, as serious as stage 4 cancer, the bubonic plague or time spent with Michael Gove. It is understood, now, that such a feeling is a clear indication of an onset of a need to swap TV channels, have a cup of tea or an excuse for another biscuit.
Families have been devastated by the loss of a love one, who after ‘feeling funny’ were forced to rearrange the sofa pillows behind them – sometimes even opening a window. These symptoms can often be hereditary, with whole families left in a catatonic state in front of Sky Movies.
GPs attest to being inundated by outbreaks of nebulous illnesses and bouts of debilitating fuzziness. One doctor advised: ‘Patients exhibiting symptoms such as – well, there are no symptoms – but if you feel a bit funny we recommend an emergency tracheotomy, followed by a double amputation – if only to take your mind off it.’
Awareness of the disease needs to be broadcast, as too often sufferers are too feeble to pick up the phone and order their own pizza. There is a hope that the campaign could get a celebrity endorsement, with James Corden approached, but his agent declined – explaining that his client had never felt ‘funny’ in his life.