It appeared that a resolute group of fifth columnists had been at work in Britain ever since the end of the Second World War. Every right-thinking Tory who helped win the war believed that we had purged every trace of the evil Nazi scum from our chalky clean shores. In reality, and unknown to us, a greater threat had been laid within our society, like a gall on our mighty English oaks harbouring an evil Hunnish canker. Each hidden weevil was hell-bent on dominating our communities. And slowly, and surely, they drew their plans against us…
It was many years after the end of the War that the first outbreak was spotted. And yet, at the time, its significance escaped all those who observed it. One day, towards the end of November, a small hand-pushed cart, laden with simple stollen, appeared in a city square. The following year there were two: one with stollen and one with gluhwein. Next there came reports from other cities, ‘Ooh, we’ve got one of these German markets too. I’ve no idea where they come from.’ No-one yet suspected their true intent. The older members of society who remembered where German things came from warned the young. But the young had no memory of anything after that fortnight in Kavos and did not listen. Soon, each year was full of reports from all corners of the country at the same time of year of stollen, gluhwein, Frankfurters, weissbier, Nurnbergers, Berliners, dirndls and lederhosen.
‘We must observe them closely’, said a naturalist. ‘No-one know whence they come, or where they return. But each year for about 6 weeks before Christmas they suddenly appear. There is reason to believe that they may even live among us, unseen, for the rest of the year. The danger is that their numbers are growing. At this rate, following current trends, by 2037, the whole of Britain will once again be a single market, a German market.’
People began to seek a leader who could preserve them from this invasion. Myths told of a national hero who would emerge from history in time of need, a flaxen-haired and modestly rotund youth who could polish this lot off before breakfast. The population cried out for help. Would their saviour hear them and respond? Would their prayers, and Andrew Neill’s questions, be answered?
[Episode Two: next Sunday at 3:30am on the Craft Teacosy Designer Channel+ where no-one will see it.]