Pacifist ‘Call of Duty’ designer calls for ‘peaceful solution to avoidable conflict’


An attempt to diffuse the increasing tension between prospective players of hotly anticipated video game ‘Call of Duty: Black Ops II’ was launched today, as one of the game’s designers called for ‘a peaceful resolution to an avoidable conflict’.

Ted Stevenson, who served as lead tree modeller on production of the game, stated that he ‘did not wish for every player to press start with murder on the mind’, but instead ‘to look around and enjoy the rich and verdant landscape’ he’d spent the better part of a year creating.

‘I’m incredibly proud of the work we’ve put into that game, and I know that my contributions are just as important to Call of Duty’s success as the hellishly realistic algorithmic dismemberment system. I mean, there are like, 43 different types of trees, all 100% true to life. You have to admit, that’s at least as impressive as the precise signature clang of a Kalashnikov bullet bouncing off the forehead of a grizzled Russian Mercenary. Sadly, I fear that history is doomed to repeat itself,’ lamented Mr. Stevenson, who was wearing an environmentally tailored suit and the sad eyes of a lonely puppy.

‘Over 100 million copies sold over 9 different games, and they all end the same way; the blood of your enemies reddening your eyesight as you holler in ecstasy and America stands tall. Have we learnt nothing from the agonies of war?’ he added, a solitary tear dropping down his idyllically rosy cheeks as he elucidated his Utopian wish for ‘COD: BLOPS II’.

‘Wouldn’t it be beautiful if, on November 13th 2012, as millions of eager gamers descend upon ‘Nuketown 2025′, they simply all decide to lay down their arms and bunny-hop for peace? Mercenaries, soldiers of fortune, infantry, roaming the marvellous landscape I’ve laboured over, enjoying the spoils of the natural world. That’s the dream.’

Fellow developers, however, were taken aback by Stevenson’s outburst. All agreed that his terrain modelling was right up there with his brilliant efforts on ‘Farmyard Sim 2010’, that the detail of the trees was astonishing, and with such variety, and that they couldn’t wait to hit ‘play’ and blow the fucking shit out of them.’

MarmiteMedicine (hat-tip to Sir Lupus)

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Posted: Dec 7th, 2019 by

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