New series of The Grand Tour powered entirely by presenters’ bodily secretions


Amazon show The Grand Tour has returned for a fourth season of impractical motoring with its dementia-dodging hosts Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May. mid an atmosphere of rising methane levels, the show’s producers say they are trying to make it more environmentally friendly, but can do little to reduce the presenters’ internal combustions and toxic emissions, either rectal or oral.

Since Clarkson, Hammond and May generate an unlimited supply of flatulence, the tedious trio of fossils now fuel the show’s vehicles using only their noxious masculinity. Thankfully, the flatulence is not sustainable in the long run, due to being 93% meat based, and therefore the supply will inevitably be lost to cholesterol and coronary heart disease.

Meanwhile, every vehicle is lubricated using Clarkson’s popular-grade bile, which is free-flowing and 100% green. ‘My liverish lube ensures our smooth running all the way from the home counties to some bongo-bongo land or a ching-chong-chinky town and back again,’ explained the bouffant host. Added James May: ‘I’m the phlegmatic type, so this new format enables us to focus on what we enjoy most – oh cock.’

Several of the fastest vehicles have also been specially modified to use semen as brake fluid, which is pumped directly from the always-excitable Richard Hammond. ‘I’m full of spunk!’ said the gayly-bearded Hammond. ‘It’s very thick and very sticky and very manly, and there’s loads of it. So that should help me to stop crashing quite so oft… hold on… phew, that was clo …. oh shit… aaaaarghhhhh.’

The Grand Tour is available from Amazon Prime Video until sometime next year, when Earth’s life-supporting systems will die like James May’s sense of humour and civilisation’s infrastructures will fail like Jeremy Clarkson’s waistband.

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Posted: Dec 9th, 2019 by

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