Free online training is being made available for the public on how to use parts of a whale’s anatomy to combat terrorist. Allegedly barnacles can be used as ninja stars, teeth can double as switch-knives and a Blue Whale’s 6ft penis makes a perfect fish-flavoured cosh.
Key to dealing with most threats is having a few drunken Millwall fans on hand, armed with chair legs or wheelie bins. Combat or tactical training is ‘okay’ but what you really want is one or two ‘hard bastards’ on day release.
If whale parts are not available, the public are advised to make use of domestic animals; swing a cat like medieval flail, hurl a goldfish bowl or lob a few gerbil-grenades. The Deputy Assistant Commissioner condensed her many years of counter-terrorism training into a simple message: ‘Go for the balls.