Russia say there would be nothing to gain from meddling in the UK General Election saying they could not possibly make things any worse than they already are. With just a few more shambolic days of campaigning left for UK politicians, Russian agents trained in the dark arts are sat at home twiddling their thumbs playing Angry Birds and watching UK Gold.
‘Your government is already suppressing a report proving we have infiltrated UK politics,’ pointed out Russian agent Yason Yasonovich Beeslokov. ‘We haven’t even needed to deny it, because your own government is blocking its own citizens from seeing it. We could only dream of carrying out that level of deception. We had all sorts of excuses and counter arguments lined up, denying any involvement, but your government is covering up the report for us.’
Even if it wanted to, continued Beeslokov, Russia would struggle to find ways to make the situation in Britain any worse than it already is. ‘Boris Johnson – what could we deceive you into thinking about him? That he is a lying racist, misogynistic, homophobic untrustworthy, adulterous charlatan? You all know that already but you don’t seem to care.’
‘Jeremy Corbyn, what could we say about him? That he is a dithering, deluded terrorist-sympathising, anti-Semitic career politician … well, most people already know all that. And Jo Swinson, what could we say about her? She is leader of the Lib Dems … well, some people already know that. We could tell the others, I suppose, but they would probably forget it within five minutes, and who could blame them?’
The Kremlin has now quietly decided that Britain needs to outside help in screwing things up. ‘You are even leaving the safety of the EU….you will be like the old, crippled gazelle on the edge of the watering hole, there for the taking,’ Beeslovok said. ‘Why would we derail your election? This time next week you will have either Boris Johnson or Jeremy Corbyn as your leader. Hand on heart, tell me how we could possibly make that outcome any worse?’