Bookies’ odds, along with the laws of time and space, look set to be overturned, as voters abandon the main parties in favour of a man who respects the purity of Bailey’s Irish Cream. Mike Gapes has emerged as the electoral frontrunner, as a nation turns to someone who can offer the strength of suet, the warmth of a Rottweiler and all the charm of a Gregg’s pasty.
Change UK has managed to combine all the best parts of the other parties; the corruption of Johnson, the hubris of Swinson and the cabbage-smell of Corbyn. Gapes is what happens if you merge all three politicians into one overly tight fat suit. The Independent Group for Change has been waiting for the moment for when the election turns to someone blander than the Liberal Democrats but shiftier than UKIP. His spokeswoman declared: ‘Mike is an everyman. He is neither left or right – he is resolutely blocking the political u-bend. He is centrist gammon. Someone who is very angry, but not about anything important