Britain, the country that gave the world Shakespeare, Isaac Newton, the Industrial Revolution and a few other things it didn’t realise it needed, has completed its descent into tenth-rate obscurity by re-electing a government led by Boris Johnson and ensuring that Brexit really is going to happen. Historians agreed that this constitutes the most alarming national decline in recorded history since the Mongol Empire suddenly started saying ‘Ah, sod it, lets be nice for a change’ in 1398.
‘There may be a precedent for a country to vote that it wants to do cut both its legs off at the knee, almost deciding one year later that it might not actually want to after all, then confirming another two years later that actually it really does want to,’ said Raymond Mayer-Waldorf, Emeritus Professor of Global History & Politics at the University of Oxford. ‘Naah, just kidding, there isn’t. Obviously.’
Added Professor Mayer-Waldorf: ‘All I’m saying is that if you develop a culture where intellectuals are regarded as suspicious; where people are encouraged to think they know better than someone who’s studied a subject for 25 years and that you can solve all complicated policy issues by using ‘common sense'; where the media is entirely owned by a small cabal of non-resident, tax-avoiding billionaires who are able to spend 40 years paying pathological liars to make up stories that all the country’s problems are caused by a mysterious entity called ‘Brussels’ writing all their laws even though they can’t name a single one of them; where the most transparent liar of the lot first becomes Mayor of the capital city despite also being a lazy, narcissistic, serial shagger simply because he managed to come across as an amusing bumbler on a TV comedy show; where everyone is so in hock to posh toffs and psychos that they somehow make these people’s anachronistic neuroses their own; where spending an election campaign in which 88% of a party’s communications are independently shown to be misleading and the leader hides in a fridge and steals a journalist’s phone to avoid answering difficult questions; where that same party is standing on a platform of delivering something it can’t deliver but STILL wins a election by a thumping great majority, then it might be arguable that, maybe, just maybe, Britain is getting what it deserves.’
‘Of course, I’m not saying that, because there are many reasons why this situation came about and it would be entirely wrong and insulting to call the British people are bunch of ignorant, gullible wankspangles for doing this,’ added Mayer-Waldorf. ‘All right, all right, I AM saying it. You utter, utter twunts.’