Government negotiators, charged with loosening Nigel Farage’s tentacle-like grip on interminable political punditry, have warned that a full ‘Nigexit’ is unlikely until at least 2028. The news has come as a cruel blow to the many millions of Nigexiters who had assumed that by voting for the UK’s withdrawal from the European Union, the tiresome gripe-weasel would finally knock it on the head once and for all.
‘I thought that by quitting the EU, we may trash the UK economy, but it would be worth it in the long run, to see the back of his constant carping,’ admitted former Nigexiter Jocelyn Parks. ‘When Farage spoke of standing down from UKIP, we were promised a ‘drunk and disorderly exit’ of Farage from the European Parliament and Any Questions. It’s turned out nothing like that. Apart from the drunk bit, obviously.’
‘I thought this was going to be straightforward,’ said Jeremy Tunnock, who is also suffering from buyer’s remorse. ‘Then as soon as we were out of the EU, Farage started talking about a ‘soft Nigexit’, where he would carry on hosting talk radio shows and chumming up to Donald Trump now and then. Now he’s talking about returning to full-time politics to ‘finish the job’, which presumably means finishing off those of us with a vestigial will to live…’
‘I was taken in by the slogan on the campaign bus,’ confessed Parks. ‘It said “The EU spends £129,000 every year on Nigel and his wife and girlfriend. Let’s build a nice loft conversion instead”.’ Now it’s clear he’s going to be leaching 74 grand a year in pension when he finally stops not working for the European Parliament. At which point he’ll doubtless crown himself president for life of UKIP again. This isn’t what I voted for!’