Santa rules out UK-Lapland trade deal

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Lapland has warned Britain that this year could be its last Christmas after stating that there would be no favourable treatment of the UK once it leaves the EU.

‘You can’t have your mince pie and eat it,’ Santa warned the UK today. ‘If you want to leave the EU, you can’t have free access to my single Christmas market. You’re heading for a hard BreXmas. You’ll be at the back of the queue for a trade deal, so realistically you’ll have to rely on Amazon to deliver your gifts next year.’

Under the EU constitution, any country wishing to break off its relationship with Santa must initiate the two-year process by writing him a letter and sending it up the chimney. Santa will then decide whether the country should be allowed to leave, taking into account how naughty or nice it has been this year. The UK Supreme Court is currently considering whether it is the government or Parliament that has the power to write to Santa.

’The whole thing is a farce,’ said UKIP leader Paul Nuttall. ‘The British people have spoken: we need to end the free movement of reindeer and take back control of Christmas. Bloody foreigners coming over here, breaking into our homes, half-eating mince pies, and leaving gifts under the tree. We need British gifts for British children.’

But some leave voters feel they’ve been misled. ‘Boris Johnson said that if we leave the EU we’d have £350m more to spend on presents – it was plastered across his campaign sleigh. Well I haven’t seen a penny of that money. That’s the last time I believe anything that a jolly, overweight, red-faced man tells me.’

Despite the crisis, the Prime Minister has reassured the public that Christmas will go ahead as usual. ‘If necessary, David Davis will dress up in red and give presents himself. It’s not like he’s going to deliver anything else within the next two years.’

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Posted: Dec 17th, 2019 by

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