Following its catastrophic defeat in last Thursday’s General Election, Labour Party members have emerged from several minutes of soul searching and reflection determined that they must find a less popular leader who could lose them even more seats at the next General Election in five years time.
Current front runners include Harvey Weinstien, Mr. Burns from The Simpsons, or the inventor of South West Train’s plastic milk sachet. ‘We can be so much worse than this’ said one member of the shadow cabinet, who may or may not have lost his seat on Thursday, it really doesn’t make any difference. ‘We have to look to our membership, to the challenges ahead and say, we need to be less appealing, more dogmatic, more out-of-touch and only listen to the one person who completely agrees with us on Twitter.’
Given that the Labour Party has never had a woman leader, support has been growing around a campaign for Aunt Lydia from the Handmaid’s Tale or perhaps Cersei Lannister from Game of Thrones. Or a joint leadership team might open the door for The Gentlemen from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, or Fred and Rosemary West. “I know one of them is dead, but that might not be such a bad thing,” said a Labour insider. “The most important thing is that Labour deals with, and is seen to deal with the accusations of anti-semitism. On that basis we are also considering Adolf Hitler.”
Labour has now won the argument for four elections in a row, and is hoping a new leader could win the argument even more convincingly next time. There have also been calls within the party that the search for a new Labour leader should be conducted with courtesy and mutual respect for fellow socialists, which was immediately greeted with a Twitter pile-on and accusations of being a Blairite/Trotskist/Centrist/Snowflake/Nazi/Zionist/Tory. Labour MPs thinking of putting themselves forward have been asked to consult a psychiatrist at the earliest possible opportunity.