Buckingham Palace has confirmed that the Queen’s Christmas address to the nation will just be her nursing a bottle of Beefeater. Royal spokesperson William Carmichael said, “Her Majesty will replace words encompassing key domestic and world events this year, with dead-eyed swigging of mother’s ruin.
“The Queen feels that a brief visible depiction of despair, angst and the demonstrable disintegration of human spirit devoid of any desire to carry on, is a more tonally appropriate manner of reflecting life in 2019 and the future we have in store. We’re putting that down to her recent private viewing of ‘Joker’ that she requested for the ninth time.”
When asked for a response, one member of the public commented, “I already assumed she was shitfaced every year. I certainly am by the time I watch her.”