A summary of things that will be achieved this week would be shorter than Jeremy Corbyn’s next manifesto, it has emerged.
The end now in sight, Britain has moved into the traditional phase of simply making tea until the clock runs out.
‘I have been refreshing my twitter feed for 4 hours’ said teacher Kath Took, who didn’t even bother to launch Outlook this morning. ‘I’m hoping someone will catch me and send me home but my boss has closed her blinds. I think she’s drinking in there.’
‘I unplugged my phone cord on Monday and pushed it into a satsuma on my desk’ admitted IT analyst Tom Jarvis, ‘but no one has even said anything. I don’t know how long I’ve been here or what I’ve been looking at on the Internet, so I’m going to check our CCTV right after I’ve just had a go at this 80s pop quiz’.
Christmas ‘downtime’ costs the UK economy a certain amount of money each year, so look it up if you like.