06:00 – Pages from Teletext
A selection of historical teletext pages with news and information from before everything was shit. Watch this with your porridge and go back to bed for the rest of the day, happy.
08:30 – In the Night Garden
Igglepiggle and Upsy Daisy have to sneak past Jacob Rees-Mogg who is sleeping through his elected duties.
09:00 – Nigella’s Christmas Puddings
Would you prefer them just as they are or with a light dusting of icing sugar? One for the blokes to contemplate with the Radio Times on their laps.
10:00 – Watership Down
Original horror version. Have some of that in your Christmas face.
11:00 – Annual Shrieking Contest from St Paul’s
Join the latest Aled Jones wanna-a-be’s as they trade their souls for five minutes in the limelight in return for a severe beating and sustained bullying programme when they return to school.
12:00 – Only Fools and Horses: The Next Generation
A naively commissioned and classic-ruining rehash that sees Del, Rodders and Damien break Uncle Albert out of a cryogenic storage facility before seeking to reclaim the fortune that they lost after recovering it in the last rehash about them losing the original fortune, with help from Harry Potter.
15:00 – The Thrashing of Prince Andrew
No Queen’s speech this year, just a Safari across the Sandringham estate with Her Majesty taking shots at the disgraced Duke of York from the sunroof of her Range Rover as he scrambles for his life.
15:30 Jurassic Parkworld 3
A T-Rex rampages through the House of Commons as Jeremy Corbyn attempts to get it to enter into a dialogue.
17:30 – In the dock of the Pops
Nostalgic look back at some of our greatest festive hits with all suspected or proven abusers digitally removed and replaced with a CGI avatar of James Corden.
18:30 – Blackadder’s Christmas Goose-Chase
David Baddiel talks us through the funniest bits of last year’s show when Frank Skinner was discussing his most hilarious moments from the previous year’s show which featured Ben Elton miming his favourite Black Adder episodes. Contains no actual Blackadder material. Mercifully all three of them are punched in the balls at the end by Charlie Brooker.
19:30 – East Bellenders
Haemorrhaging audience figures to ITVs Coronation Chicken Street, this attempt by the BBC to do something different isn’t actually half bad. – A genetically cloned Mitchell brother returns to the Square seeking vengeance on those who created him. Ends in a naked mass-brawl with people simultaneously crying, fighting and shagging like something out of Caligula.
20:00 – The Chronicles of Narnia
This cherished BBC classic hasn’t aged as well as you might have thought. Worse than a Sixth Form Hamlet adaption. Special effects provided by how pissed you happen to be at the time.
20:30 – Dr Why
Time Lord Jodie Whittaker scours the dystopian future of 2020, asking survivors why they voted for the Tories before telling them they’re f*cked and escaping in the Tardis.
21:00 – Wallace & Gromit’s Unwanted Christmas Clips
One hour of random stitched-together footage that was omitted from the various films because it was shit. Narrated by Piss-off Schofield and Wolly Hilloughby
22:00 – News at 10
The latest bombings, murder and weather.
Batch of the Day
Gary Lineker reviews the season’s new crisp flavours. Look out for an F-Bomb by Alan Shearer in relation to Golden Wonder’s performance.
23:30 – Home Alone VII: Kevin goes to space
Do not attempt to watch this without consuming at least three bottles of Port and the fairy lights.
01:30 – Poldark: The shirtless bits
Added automatically to women’s iPlayer lists. Just remember to pop your mobile or tablet into a waterproof bag if you want to watch this in the bath.
02:00 – Coast
Only broadcast to sober up any stragglers and to stop Putin from hijacking the airwaves. You’ve made it. Congratulations. See you again next year and stop complaining about the license fee.