Boris Johnson was awoken by the sound of chains and howls of anguish. Thinking he was in Labour Party HQ he opened his eyes and saw the spectre of David Cameron. ‘I thought your political career was dead,’ he said to Cameron, who kept on rattling the chains.
‘You will be visited by three spirits tonight, who want you to repent,’ said Cameron.
‘Repent? What have I to repent for?’ asked Boris. Cameron sighed – he knew he was almost certainly going to waste oxygen answering that one.
‘The first spirit will be the spirit of Brexit past,’ he said. ‘You have lied in front of a bus and even been dismissive of a politician killed while campaigning,’ said Cameron.
‘Humbug,’ replied Boris.
‘Exactly,’ said Cameron. ‘Next you’ll be visited by the spirit of Brexit present. You have misled the electorate and have started selling off British assets and secrets. The road ahead is to ruin,’ said Cameron.
‘Let’s get Brexit done,’ replied Boris.
Cameron rolled his eyes in exaspertaion. ‘And then you’ll be visited by the spirit of Brexit future. To be fair, the spirit world had this on hold until recently.
‘But when the spirit comes he will show you a country riven with dissent, a Union split from arsehole to breakfast time, a great recession, loss of jobs, food shortages and even public schools will have to lose their charitable status to claw some money back in.’
Boris fell to his knees and pleaded with Cameron to show him the way but Cameron merely pointed to where the first spirit would appear, before being clubbed by Dominic Cummings with a vase.
‘Bugger,’ he said, realising that the spirit world was too late.