Cummings: New Year Executions List leaked

Firing Squad

While the UK peruses the names of the great and the good who have been honoured in the latest New Year Honours List, it appears that the Cummings administration is still working feverishly to bring truly ‘radical change’ to the lives of select Britons – by planning to replace the traditional what he calls ‘a boring and anachronistic institution’ with the announcement of a series of mass executions.

Thanks to a document that fell off the back of a ministerial limousine last night, it can now be revealed who is heading for a very British chop:

1. Any opposition MP with a positive public approval rating (NB leave the no-hopers for that whole ‘facade of democracy’ thing)
2. Any journalist not employed by a tax exile.
3. The Scottish.
4. That bloke who didn’t get out of my way quickly enough on the tube last year.
5. All the girls at school and uni who wouldn’t go out with me. Who’s laughing now?
6. Laura Kuenssberg, for the same reason. I don’t care how useful she is.
7. Anyone who has ever said anything rude about me or suggested I’m a thin-skinned arsehole.

Many of those featured on the list have responded by saying, in typical snowflake fashion, that they now ‘fear for their lives’. However others have pointed out that the leaked document also says the executions process has been outsourced to G4S, so there’s actually nothing to worry about.

It is also rumoured that the Queen is preparing some additions to the list of her own, the first of which is ‘that vicious little oik always skulking around with the idiot who calls himself my Prime Minister.’

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Posted: Dec 28th, 2019 by

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