Jaywick pensioner Bradley Potts was extremely disappointed to find that his new Russian girlfriend Tatiana failed to arrive at Stansted airport yesterday.
“I was gutted, of course,” said Mr. Potts on Newsbiscuit’s premium-rate support line, “as I was very much looking forward to meeting Tatiana in person. I did wonder if I’d inadvertently failed to send enough money to cover the cost of the business class ticket. But after a few hours waiting in Arrivals I checked my new iPhone. I was devastated to learn that Tatiana’s plane had crashed on take off and she won’t be coming to Essex anytime soon. She’s on life support waiting for a Western Union money transfer before surgery can commence.”
The expensive phone purchase and romantic no-show follow a tragic year of events in the Potts household, starting with a TV advert for credit reference agency Credit Bang!. “I really liked the sound of that,” said Mr. Potts, “as I’ve been wanting to increase my credit score for absolutely ages. All I had to do was apply for six cards offering a blisteringly high interest rate, and my future as a high-scoring borrower was assured. Sadly, I’m still waiting for a return on investment on that one, and in the meantime I have bailiffs to contend with.”
But Credit Bang! was the least of Mr. Potts worries, as it emerged soon after that his newly acquired Stannah Stairlift would not fit into his Jaywick bungalow. “That was a real problem for me,” he explained, “since the Bank of Nigeria doubled my mortgage payments in light of the hole that Stannah left in my roof.”
“I’m a half-glass-full kind of guy, though,” said Mr. Potts as he got into a black cab taxi on his way back to Jaywick. “I’m very much looking forward to seeing some really scary quality movie on the Horror Channel when I get home. And Boris is going to get Brexit sorted this month.”