With his criminal trial into sexual assaults set to begin this week, Harvey Weinstein has taken a lesson from Donald Trump in trial attention diverting by taking actions to provoke his once ally and now enemy, Hollywood, into a war.
“She was getting ready to launch a deadly attack on me”, Weinstein said, explaining why he kicked Dame Judy Dench in the shins. “I know she is of cultural importance to Hollywood, but I couldn’t risk her launching a drone strike on me”. Criticism of Weinstein’s preemptive strike on the octogenarian came from across the world, including the UN, EU, NATO and BAFTA.
Leonardo Dicaprio, an unofficial spokesperson for Hollywood, has promised there will be retaliation against Weinstein. “We have many unemployed actor-sleeper-cells working in restaurants all over the US ready to launch a full-on attack by breaking into song or interpretive dance at any given moment”, Dicaprio said. “The force of this jazz-handed militia will be untouchable, something Weinstein isn’t used to”.
Weinstein has promised that if the coverage of his upcoming trial isn’t buried by 24-hour rolling news of Dench’s bruised shins, then he has a list of over 80 members of Hollywood royalty he is ready to attack with Chinese burns, nipple cripples or shooting a load into their most valued plant pots, one for every woman that has accused him of assault. He has also threatened to stop paying the millions of dollars he has paid to many in Hollywood women in what he called the Hollywood Nuclear Deal, a unilateral agreement that stopped the women launching a bomb in the centre of his career.
Donald Trump has backed Weinstein’s approach, noting that since he started prodding Iran CNN has gone more than 10 minutes without talking about impeachment.