The sleepy county of Midsomer has now gone fifteen days without a grisly murder, something even its oldest residents can’t remember happening before. Locals fear they’ll never be on TV again if someone isn’t strangled or hacked to death soon.
“Aye, I’ve never seen nothing like this”, says bewildered local blacksmith Eddie Lipton. “We’ve had our weekly murder here every Friday since I was a boy, in time for Sunday evening’s TV episode”.
Local resident Mildred Harmondsby, 73, blames “that interfering detective Barnaby” for bringing this time-worn custom to an end. “He’s too clever by half”, she complains. “All the homicidal maniacs are moving out of the area. I hear Norfolk is trying to poach them and get the series moved there”.
“Murder is vital to the local economy”, says Chamber of Commerce spokesman Tim Houston. “Needless to say, we have more funeral homes per square mile than anywhere else in England, not to mention all the hotels needed to cater to the camera crews”. He has placed an ad in Craigslist for an “enterprising psychopath, capable of delivering 50-60 homicides a year in a picturesque rural location”. The job comes with accommodation in a quiet cottage “featuring a conservatory and a back yard with space for ten to fifteen dismembered corpses”.
One person not tempted by the offer is serial killer and cannibal Jonathan Gridley. “Personally, I prefer a more vibrant urban setting, one that reflects modern Britain”, he explained as he shopped for a shovel in his local garden centre. “Midsomer is seriously lacking in diversity. I don’t want to open my fridge every day and see nothing but white middle-class body parts”.