Electronics giant Samsung has sought to get ahead in a crowded high-end technology market by unveiling its new creation, the first in a new generation of ‘smartarse TVs’. The new device has 4096GB of memory, most of which is taken up with trivia and resolutely-held opinions which the television can dispense liberally whenever it senses a human in the vicinity.
Customer reaction to the super smart, 407 inch, OLED-backlit web-enabled cylindrical-screened Hawking3000 has been mixed. Steve Minsky of Colchester explained: ‘It’s great at first; you actually sit inside the screen, I was hospitalised by the power of the sound system and I can use the remote control as a surfboard, but watching a quiz show is a nightmare, the TV can’t resist answering everything.’
Minsky’s new television apparently ruined one of his favourite programmes, Mastermind, by answering correctly a series of questions about the life and times of Queen Anne, the early history of blues and jazz music and the fall of the Weimar Republic. ‘It just got worse from there,’ Minksy complained. ‘I tuned into Jeremy Kyle and I distinctly heard ‘for God’s sake’ coming from the remote control. It’s getting so I can only watch BBC 4. That’s bad enough, but now it’s started getting judgemental as well. The other day it said ‘for crying out loud Steve, it’s lovely and sunny out there, and you want to sit and watch Bargain Hunt? Get a life, man.’ I was a bit put out, to be honest.’
Industry experts have been surprised by the negative reaction. ‘We really thought that smartarse TV was the next logical step,’ said a Samsung spokesman. ‘All our market research suggested that people were ready for a device that saved them loads of time by working out who the killer was in Silent Witness after the first five minutes, or completed all the diagnoses in Holby City before the first bleep of a cardiac monitor. Turns out, not so much.’
Minsky admitted that he was unlikely to return the TV despite the drawbacks. ‘There are some good points to this new technology,’ he said. ‘I was really pleased when it auto-activated the Katie Hopkins filter, that’s really improved my viewing experience no end. And there is one quiz show I can still watch – even a high-end smartarse TV hasn’t got a bloody clue what Only Connect is about.’
apepper, with hat-tips to Griffin, james_doc, AlOPecia and Midfield Diamond