Chief Medical Officer Dame Sally Davies, 66, shocked the UK’s population with the announcement today that there is no safe consumption level for pizza. Dismissing the notion that pizza is OK as part of a balanced diet as an old wives’ tale, Dame Sally said that even one slice a day could lead to muffin top, manspreading and even bingo wings.
While apologists point to the role of pizza as part of the fabled Mediterranean diet, the new guidelines advise that even a small hand-thrown crispy margherita is literally the thin edge of the wedge, leading rapidly to the family-sized deep-pan meat feast and related problems such as being unable to get off the sofa, drinking Stella, shouting and watching The X-Factor.
Dame Sally advised that families should revert to healthy British alternatives such as sausages and mash washed down by a nice cup of tea while listening to The Billy Cotton Band Show and saying ‘mustn’t grumble’ to one another. ‘In no time you will find yourself developing a wonderfully patronising attitude and losing your dress sense, and with the money you save you will soon be able to buy a nice house in a trendy area, just like me.’
Faced with the prospect of enforcing the new guidelines, millions of parents headed straight for the kitchen and knocked back a large glass of red wine, instantly enhancing the state of their cardiovascular system and inducing a feeling of wellbeing that benefited everyone around them.