A new bill before Parliament would exempt Conservative MPs from corporal punishment laws and let them be spanked to their hearts’ content in the best tradition of sexually repressed ex public school boys. Tory diehards believe they can relive the glory days of the Thatcher years, when every Sunday’s tabloids brought a new flagellation scandal.
“This country’s decline began when they took away an Englishman’s God-given right to be flogged to within an inch of his life by a woman whose card he found in a public phone booth”, argues MP Sir Percy Wethburton. “In the old days, you could almost hear the tingling of smarting buttocks on the Tory back benches. The best pro-hanging speech I ever heard was given by an MP who could barely sit down when he finished. A good spanking concentrates the mind wonderfully”.
Many fear the art of whipping has died out. It’s not clear if there are enough practitioners with the skills necessary to cater to the insatiable demands of Westminster masochists. “A lot of the girls have died off”, says 64-year-old Mavis Bradshaw, alias Madame Paine, a veteran of the 1980s spanking boom, “and I’m not sure if I’m up to it any more. But I’ll dust off my old whips and dog collars and see what I can do”.
Worst of all is the revelation that the repressive laws have forced some Tories to go abroad and be spanked by foreigners. One bitter MP recalls his traumatic experience in Paris. “I thought I’d explained clearly in my best Eton French that I just wanted a good thrashing”, he says, “but I somehow ended up having my appendix removed instead. Thank God we’re out of Europe”.