Hancock’s New Targets To Be Applied To British Athletics


Following Matt Hancock’s announcement of the proposed scrapping of the 4-hour treatment target at A&E centres the Government is now considering adopting something similar for British athletes.
“There’s not much point in expecting our sprinters to beat 10s targets in the 100m if they all weigh 18 stone and smoke 40 a day”, said a spokesman. “It seems much more ‘athletically appropriate’ if we judge the athletes based on what they can reasonably achieve rather than what the fans expect of them. Once we start to measure the percentage of British athletes achieving the new ‘UK Sprint Gold’ standard we will have a clearer view on the true capability of our teams.”
Questioned by the press on what the UK Sprint Gold standard would be, the spokesman responded, “That is certainly still under consideration at present. However we would expect a 100m runner to be able to complete that distance, unassisted, within 20 minutes, allowing for a single break for a cup of tea at some point between the 25m and 75m mark.”

We’re very confident that we will overnight be able to boost the athletics listings of the UK by about 50,000 people able to meet this rigorous standard”, continued the spokesman. “And if we need more athletes, we can adjust the UK Sprint Gold standard accordingly. The regulation and monitoring of this new standard will henceforth be in the very capable hands of Mr Grayling.”

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Posted: Jan 16th, 2020 by

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