Isle of Wight to ban penny-farthing from town centre


In an attempt to cut congestion, Ventnor council has decided to remove horse drawn carts, sedan chairs and speeding mobility scooters from the main thoroughfare. Locals are said to have become sickened by break-neck lifestyle of velocipede riders, tearing down the streets at 10mph.

Wheels first appeared in Mesopotamia around 5,000 BC, but only on the Isle Wight in 1962. This was soon followed by rioting over the fixed axle; with the island split between those who favoured animal fat or vegetable oil, as the ‘axle lubricant of choice’.

Climate change activists have welcomed the ban, saying coastal erosion was directly caused by a skateboarding park in Blackgang Chine. Even donkey rides were curtailed last year, as being too fast but not furious enough.

The hope is the Isle of Wight can return to a simpler time, when people would leisurely ride on the back of a diplodocus. Said one resident: ‘If God had meant us to travel, he’d have taken us off this island and given us opposable thumbs’.

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Posted: Jan 17th, 2020 by

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