His Holiness the Pope has asked God if it’s OK to be a bit less ‘Pontifical’. A conference call with the deity and diverse angels in the realms of glory was last week held to discuss the matter. It started with the traditional drawn out ‘are you there God?’ and ‘God, can you hear me?’ questions from the Pope. According to Vatican insiders God took ‘forever’ to jump on the call, prompting fears he had ceased to exist, or may not have existed in the first place, thereby rendering the call redundant. It’s understood God then tried to get a support call from British Telecom, without success.
The delays further strengthened the slightly less Holy Father’s desire not to wear a dress all the time and move to Belgium for some of the year, where he would reduce his status to ‘holy-ish’ and self-finance with a range of T shirts and mugs printed with Pope-Jokes. This would capitalise on the number of words that humorously rhyme with ‘Pope.’ It’s understood the Pope wants a ‘renegotiation’ on his vows of obedience, poverty and another pledge he couldn’t quite recall, although later ‘had an inkling’ in the bath.
But a senior theologian said: ‘It’s all very well making fun of his H but this decision may have knock on effects. The Chief Rabbi will want to see Saturday Cup Ties live; some senior Muslim clerics will want to franchise Paltrow-inspired savoury beard wax and Hare Krishna followers may demand the right to wear corduroy trousers for winter chanting in busy high streets. All Hell will be let loose.’
This prompted the Devil to issue a statement declaring that all hell being let loose might not be as bad as first thought. The horned one declared he was interested in becoming ‘10% less evil,’ suggesting his trade mark wickedness be reduced to Dominic Raab style levels. But he promised to continue his residency at Mar-a-Lago, maintain his work in Australia and to keep up negotiations to buy the souls of Jacob Rees Mogg, and even Prince Andrew.