Greggs to recruit meat-free staff

Greggs vegan sausage roll

Greggs – the popular high street bakers and ground zero for coronary thrombosis – is hoping to make its vegan customers feel even more welcome by employing sales assistants that contain no meat whatsoever.

The company’s new Head of Veganomic Affairs, Ms Terri Sandwich, explained: “It’s only natural that vegans would rather buy our wood-pulp rolls and leaf-litter bakes without having some lardy meat-head’s dead eyes staring back at them, and its fleshy fingers leaving mammal grease all over the loose change.”

“I suppose it would be okay if the new recruits have some hair, teeth and nails, but these days not even meat eaters want anything to do with offal, so anyone who contains kidneys, liver or a heart need not apply. And tongues are definitely out of the question.”

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Posted: Jan 19th, 2020 by

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