The Sussexes have been told that they must relinquish their HRH titles, their season tickets to Crawley Town FC and any duty-frees from last two years. They can no longer partake of swan meat, panda cutlets or nibble on the ear of Nicholas Witchell.
A whole series of perks are to be removed, not least of which is the use of the bat-signal and the phone number of the A-team. Under the agreement, Harry & Meghan can no longer assume lizard form or take part in the secret human sacrifices, down in the catacombs below Windsor Castle.
Frustratingly they must be referred to as ‘Haz & Meg’ and live in a one bedroom caravan in Sunnyvale Trailer Park, Nova Scotia. They will lose all the trappings of royalty, including the right to lay traps for peasants.
A spokesman for the Queen explained: ‘There will be no royal duties, no tours, it will be as if they never existed – or being ‘Prince Edward’ as we call it’.