Starbucks outperformed by lay-by sandwich van

four customers a month can't be wrong

According to figures submitted to Companies House, Pete’s Baps, who’s base is in a lay-by just off the M4, reported greater profits than Starbucks for the third quarter of the year.

Pete puts his increase in sales down to the commencement of extensive road works on the nearby Bath Road, but was also keen to promote what he felt was his unique selling point; the fact that he could adaptably sell a customer anything they wanted as long as it was tea, instant coffee from a jar or bacon with some bread round it, all in a particularly niche lay-by which he has emphatically made his own.

‘Well, you see, in a tough economic climate, any business model depends on providing hard-up customers with exactly what they want, with no frilly extras which could easily make someone who merely wants a bit of roadside sustenance feel like they’re being ripped off,’ said Pete, ‘I’ve thought long and hard about it and I even thought it might be an idea to ask each customer if they’d like me to write their name in ketchup on their bacon roll, but mostly they just look at me in a funny way. I’ve come to the conclusion that that’s just another one of the areas where Starbucks might be getting it wrong.’

Starbucks declined to comment on their results, but analysis of the submitted figures suggests they sold 13 Mocha lattes and 4 granola bars across Britain in the last three months – slightly up on their second quarter figures.

‘The way things are going, in a few years’ time I’m thinking: burger van on every lay-by of every A-road in Britain, raking in sales of two sausage rolls and a cup of Nescafe between them, per quarter, and providing some real competition for Starbucks,’ said Pete, adding; ‘I know it’s dangerous to even think about it, but it’s my dream.’

In related news, the online retailer Amazon saw a slight increase in sales in quarter three with 9 books and 2 kettles sold. This left Amazon trailing in the wake of Purplepants123, an Ebay trader from Croydon who sold various items following a bedroom clear out.


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Posted: Jan 20th, 2020 by

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