With US gun sales at a record high following Barack Obama’s re-election, American businessman Donald Trump has confirmed that he’s bought most of them, formed his own constitutional militia, and is planning to overthrow the US government.
The follicly-distressed tycoon, whose extravagant, outspoken style has earned him the nickname of ‘the twat’, now has a small private army of around 300 unemployed gas station attendants from all over the province of Dirtgully, New Hampshire, who are currently holed up in a heavily fortified penthouse near Mount Mansfield, protected by an efficiently snooty concierge.
When the time is right, Trump intends to lead them to the very gates of the White House and then, from a reasonable distance, ‘watch our fight to reclaim liberty’.
“The forces of evil, which recently voted in free and fair elections to appoint somebody I don’t personally care for, must be overthrown,” Mr Trump said over the ‘Citizens’-Band Radio’ of Twitter. “Our revolutionary movement, which I have named The Trump Martyrs (copyright pending, legal action to follow for use without permission), intends to stand up for the god-fearing downtrodden inexplicably irritated rich white folks of America.”
A perennially controversial figure, Donald Trump worked his way up from being little more than the son of a wealthy property developer, to become one of America’s wealthiest property developers. It is to this unorthodox upbringing he attributes his sense of fair play, compassion and keen interest in having pots and pots of money with which to buy wives, influence and bits of Scotland.
In 2010, Mr Trump announced his interest in becoming President of the United States and was astonished to discover there was more to getting the job than just asking for it. “You would not believe the obstacles to becoming Commander-in-Chief,” he told ABC’s Power Brunch in May 2011. “Campaigning, coming up with policies and all that horse-hockey. If I’m at home with Melania and the kids and we’re playing Monopoly I just declare myself the winner and we’re done; and if there’s any complaints I remind them whose board it is.”
Politically, he describes himself as tacking to the liberal wing of the anti-gay marriage, pro-life, anti-gun control, anti-medicare, China-hating segment of the Republican Party: “I believe in the inalienable right to hate all this stuff,” he said.
Mr Trump equipped his band of patriotic simpletons by tasking contestants on his NBC reality show The Apprentice to secure a large cache of illegal firearms and explosives. Team A successfully negotiated the deal with a Lebanese gentleman. Team B hasn’t been heard from since.
(pic by Pinxit)