Brexiteers and medical officials agree that the colour of your passport will be the deciding factor in whether you contract 2019-nCoV virus or end up speaking French. Moving from a defeatist shade of red to a resplendent royal blue, is more effective than a facemask, antibiotics or wrapping the Chinese Embassy in clingfilm.
Thanks to Brexit, UK citizens will be immune to all diseases and any economic growth for the next twenty years. They will also be able to fend off athlete’s foot, premature balding and trapped wind.
A Foreign Office spokeswoman advised: ‘Hold your blue passport to your mouth and inhale the sweet perfume of empire and naval dominance. Any airborne infections will automatically be filtered, alongside any thought of diversity or history after 1940’.
NHS hospitals have been advised to stockpile blue passports, which can also double as spare beds. The spokeswoman said: ‘The Blue paper offers the perfect test for acidity and a clear sign that the holder has a complete lack of understand of what the EU was in the first place.’